FANFIC: attempt 218 (The Good Place)

I wrote this nearly nine years ago (?!?) for a polyshipping challenge. It was pretty fun :D

Title: attempt 218.
Fandom: The Good Place.
Character/Pairing: Chidi Anagonye/Eleanor Shellstrop/Tahani Al-Jamil.
Rating/Warnings: T.
Summary: Eleanor and Tahani: most mismatched soulmates EVER.
Word count: 1.8k.

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DAY #1

“This is your soulmate, Tahani.”

The entire situation she'd found herself in was making Eleanor's whole body itch, and if she wasn't already dead, she'd be convinced she was in the midst of a mild aneurysm, at the least. And yet, her brain had the time to stop for a second to think Hot. Damn.

That last up until the moment her so-called soulmate opened her mouth.

“It’s such a… quaint little place! Very charming.” And she kept talking, and talking, and talking.

“And Michael told me you were the person with the highest score in the neighborhood!” Was her smile forced? It looked forced. “It’s such an honour. But, well. I don’t deserve any less, of course!”

Wow, way to make Eleanor’s success about her. Well, not Eleanor’s, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that, when she heard the word “soulmate,” Eleanor had let herself belief she could have an ally, someone who could help her make sense of all the crazy.

And instead, she was stuck with some snob, super-hot woman that talked non-stop about herself. She had trouble believing she ever had her head out of her ass for long enough to help anybody.

 

DAY #6

Tahani was the worst. She kept talking about all the charities she had organized, making Eleanor feel like shit, she name-dropped celebrities left and right like an asshole, and she remained incredible passive-aggressive about Eleanor’s fake score.

She wasn’t even getting laid, because Tahani said she’d never been with a woman before and she wanted to “take it slow.” Wasn’t this supposed to be paradise, for heaven’s sake? The only good thing about her was that she immediately hijacked Eleanor's Best Person Speech with her enormous ego.

But the stress was killing her, metaphorically speaking. The damn giraffes, the garbage, everything. She needed to do something, and she couldn’t do it alone. She needed help if she wanted to keep up the charade, and her “soulmate” was too unreliable, so she’d have to get it elsewhere.

What was the weird iLady's name again?

 

DAY #17

“Are you even paying attention to me right now? Because may I remind you, your very soul depends on it.”

She had spaced out again. And the worst was, she felt guilty about it. Guilty about not paying attention to a super boring speech about some Hums guy by the biggest nerd she’d ever met.

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay. That’s a first.”

“Go fork yourself, dude.”

“Now that’s more like you.”

For the first time in what felt like an eternity (ha), she felt her face form an honest smile. Chidi sat next to her, looking worried. The guy stressed too much. He seemed to take her situation way too personally, and he'd gone above and beyond to help her. It was such a stupid thing to do.

She was infinitely grateful.

“It’s just… the whole situation with Tahani is too much. She keeps taking me everywhere, wanting to go on little dates and preying about my life. And I can’t tell her anything, because of course I can’t. I think she believes that when I go out alone I’m cheating on her.”

“Wait. She thinks your cheating on her with me? That’s— well that’s— you know—”

“Yeah, no, totally, dude. But what do I tell her? That you’re teaching me ethics?”

“Well, I mean, I have a soulmate. A real one. No offense.”

Yeah, he didn't need to remind her. She was pretty sure his soulmate was suspicious of her too.

And if she was honest with herself (ugh), not totally without reason.

 

DAY #29

Tahani insisted on going on a date near the lake, and when Tahani insisted, she insisted. It was all perfectly put together, movie-worthy, with the picnic, and the sunset, and her short summer dress that left her long, long, long legs uncovered.

Eleanor pondered whether throwing herself at the lake was a good idea or not.

For once, though, Tahani wasn’t filling the air around them with her posh accent. She seemed on edge, awkward. It had Eleanor freaked out. What if she had somehow figured it out? Had Chidi being through one of his moral crisis again and decided to come clean to her?

No. Chidi wouldn’t do that to her.

Tahani raised her hand, pulling a strand of hair behind Eleanor’s ear. She smiled shyly at her, and suddenly, her face was right there and they were kissing, painfully tender.

Eleanor kissed back almost automatically. Because that’s what you do when someone kisses you. You kiss back. It’s an instinct, a reflex. That’s it.

“Well,” Tahani said softly, when she drew back, “that was not too bad, wasn’t it?”

Eleanor head was pounding, her mouth open like a fish’s, and she just ran.

 

NIGHT #29

Chidi was as unhelpful as he was in every situation that didn’t include a book so heavy it gave you cramps by looking at it. “Maybe you could tell her the truth. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Uh, eternal damnation, for one? What a shitty piece of advice.

So she was back there, to their quaint ugly little home, with no idea of what to do next.

The door opened violently, and Tahani was looking at her with an offended expression that would’ve made royals jealous.

“You were with him last night, were you?”

Yikes. She’d heard those words before. And though it wasn’t what she thought, she refused to say something so cliché on principle.

“What is it? You like them short? Am I not good enough for Miss Best Score?”

“Tahani…”

“What, Eleanor? You’re supposed to love me, not to keep choosing someone else over and over and over again! That’s the whole point, we’re soulmates!”

She exploded, right there and then. “No, we’re not! We’re not soulmates.”

“What are you talking about?!”

She couldn’t believe what she was about to say. She was going to hell, literally going to hell after this.

“We’re not soulmates, because I’m not supposed to be here, Tahani.”

 

DAY #30

Eleanor paced around the room. Tahani was out all day, claiming she needed time to think about everything she’d told her.

She was going to tell Michael, Eleanor was sure of it. She was going to tell Michael and she’d be sent to the bad place to be tortured soon enough, just because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

When she heard the door open, her heart stopped. But it was just Tahani.

“Hey.”

“Hey?”

Well, that was it? No clues at all of her mood? Come on.

“I didn’t tell anyone.”

Eleanor released a breath and fell down on the sofa, Tahani sitting next to her. She didn’t know what to say. “Thank you.” At least that was mandatory.

Tahani nodded. She was looking ahead, with a sad smile. “I’m sorry,” she said next, “I know you liked the idea of soulmates.”

“I’ve been thinking,” she said, turning suddenly, with an urgent look on her eyes, “maybe we are soulmates. Maybe that’s why you are here. We— we were meant to be together, and you went through the system somehow, because it’s not designed to keep soulmates apart.”

“That’s absurd Tahani. We are in no way compatible; you got in the good place by yourself, I was mediocre at best.”

“I wasn’t that good. It’s true! I saw the list.”

“What list?”

“In Michael’s office. There was a list of everyone here, and I was second to last. I barely got in, I’m almost— mediocre, too.”

A list… just there, out in the open. Their soulmate situation. The giraffes. Wait a second…

“That motherforker!”

“What?”

“We are in the bad place! We keep getting on each other’s nerves, and I get on Chidi’s nerves, and you just happen to see something in Michael’s office that makes you feel miserable?”

Tahani was looking at her, horrified, speechless.

“This is the bad place.”

 

NIGHT #30

“Are you absolutely positive about this?”

“Yes, Chidi, we are.”

“But that doesn’t— oh god. The almond milk.”

“We need to leave this place, Chidi. ASAP. Jan—!”

“Wait. Do we warn my soulmate?”

“Are you one hundred percent sure you can trust him?”

“…”

“That’s a no. Janet!”

---

Janet, at least, seemed happy to be on the train. Chidi was going through probably the biggest meltdown of his life (about almonds), and Tahani looked wistfully through the window.

Eleanor sat next to her, wishing she had any idea for how to comfort her. She didn’t know where to start, she had literally zero experience at that shit.

Out of nowhere, Tahani said: “I understand what you see in him. He’s very cute. In his own midget way.”

“Tahani…”

“Oh, don’t look at me that way. I know you like me too. I mean, obviously.”

She seemed to recover from her self-esteem crisis rather well, didn’t she?

“That’s a weird turn you’ve made there.”

She shrugged. “We aren’t getting any deader.”

The train arrived, and when they reached the house, a strange woman opened the door.

“Let me guess. You didn't bring my cocaine again.”

---

They didn’t know what to do. Staying there with that woman didn’t seem like an option. According to Janet, the train couldn't reach the real good place, only the bad one. The only way was backwards, where their memories would likely be erased and they’d be condemned to repeat a just slightly different history for thousands of years.

Chidi was the one taking it worse. Eleanor wasn’t much better than him, but Tahani seemed at ease, full of a new resolution.

She walked at Chidi, and appraised him slowly. Chidi stopped mid-pacing, like a deer caught in headlights.

“Chidi, right? We haven’t talked much. I’ve noticed the way you look at Eleanor.”

“What— I— no, I don’t look at her in any way! Ever!”

No, he doesn’t. Wait, does he?

“Please. I’ve also noticed the way you look at me. And we’ve all noticed the way Eleanor looks at me.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of true.”

“I’m NOT having a threesome in a stranger’s house,” she empathized, “and you and I would need to get to know each other better, but I think this is a good start.”

“This?”

“Oh, come on. We are totally fucking. Hey,” Eleanor exclaimed, “I can say fucking!”

 

DAY #35

Calling it a plan was too generous. Calling it an idea was generous. So it went as well as she would’ve predicted.

Tahani was furious. She kept screaming and insulting Michael. Chidi demanded explanations. Janet had brought that weird monk and they both sat on the sidelines, looking confused.

Michael, though with a bitter look on his face, seemed to be enjoying the situation. Eleanor, as she saw Tahani’s futile attacks on him, felt true defeat for the first time in her life.

“Michael, please… stop doing this to us.”

Everything seemed to stop in that second. Michael turned to her, calculating.

“Well, well, well… you’ve never pleaded. Please, don’t let me stop you.”

Anger raised through her throat, choking her. She ran to him and spat on his face.

“I don’t care what I have to do, but somehow I swear I’m going to forking ki—"

Snap.

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A/N (c&p):Look at that time jump. They totally forked.