can't think of a non-pretentious title

[queenslayerbee]

A lot has been said of the relation between art and the artist's happiness or, more accurately, lack thereof. I think most of it has been trite, from affirmations about how good art can only come from the deepest misery to the refusal to look at the fact that... well, artist do seem more prone to melancholy than your average joe, to say the least.

I'm not going to find a definite opinion here today because such a thing would require a far more in depth thesis than I'm going to do tonight on this journal entry, but what I can say on a personal level is: I'm not a happy person. I never was, not even as a child with a (relatively, or at least comparatively) comfortable life. Brain chemistry is what it is, I guess. And adulthood hasn't made me happy either. I'm a mix between prideful and derrotist, and I'm angry and misantropic and at the very least on the verge of suicidal. I strive to strike a balance so that those things don't completely doom me, because most of the time I want to make it to old age and I want all of the in-between that has to happen to get there. There is plenty I love sincerely about the world, and plenty I want to do in it. Most of the time I'm more angry about my own mortality limiting my prospective experiences than I am about how difficult and uphill life often feels. And I always tell myself I can't die before I get to throw a rager about Henry Kissinger's death (or any other of the long list of infamous men I hate), which has done wonders, let me tell you.

But I do think all of those things are the backbone of my art. Writing is is the means that I use to exorcise my inner demons, which hardly makes me an exception among writers. And my writing... unhealthy or not, it's more important to me than most things. If the trade off would be a happier state of being, with a brain (and a body) that isn't constantly conspiring against me in exchange for never writing again, I know I wouldn't take it, as bad as that might sound. Because it might not make me happy in a conventional sense, but it fulfills me and gives me the best triumphs I've experienced.

And this also means the stories that tend to resonate most with me are... those clearly written by my fellow partners in misery, one way or another. Most of the time happy endings and feel-good plots ring false and look plastic. There's a reason why shows like The Vampire Diaries, one of the most cynical pieces of storytelling I've encountered, struck me so hard in my teenage years. Or why Black Sails is my favourite show now in adulthood, with its targeted anger and its honesty about what fighting means. And, especially, there's a reason why, out of every show I've watched, philosophically speaking I'll always return to the Buffyverse and I'll always find it the most comforting of all, without ever feeling condescended by it or lied to when I watch it. "Strong is fighting. It's hard and it's painful and it's everyday. It's what we have to do." and "If there's no great, glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do. 'Cause that's all there is." and "Yeah, Buffy. What are we gonna do now?" and "Let's get to work." are four of the most important lines ever uttered, for me.

Sometimes I wonder if I should feel guilty for enjoying this art in particular, art that can only come from a place of hurt, I guess. But I think a lot of those authors could be like me: fundamentally unhappy people who find solace and victory in their craft that they couldn't dream to achieve anywhere else.

 
That was a lot of rambling that might not even make much sense as I'm typing it tired, after a couple of exhausting days. So. Sorry about that xD

P.S. the right wing parties didn't get enough seats for a majority (and it seems they wouldn't even if after they finish counting the votes from spaniards living in foreign countries everything went their way). While that's good news neither did the former left-wing coalition so now everything depends on regional parties and I knoooooow everyone involved is going to be a bitch about this. There's a high probability this will end with a second election in a few months and that one is likely to end on the fascist government we just dodged. Because people are fucking idiots. This does not fit the tone of the post but I'm getting past the apathy and disdain-tainted fog election night left me with and slowly approaching anger. And so I must vent whenever I get the chance!

Comments

[goodbyebird]

fuuuck so sorry about the political clusterfuck. Throwing all my wishes into the universe that the left unexpectedly crush it next round.

[queenslayerbee]

oh, at this point the left-wing coalition still has a chance. they can negotiate with the remaining parties. it's just that I know it's going to be an uphill battle. AFAIC they could ask for diamond statues on their doorsteps and I'd gladly give those to them to stop to fascist party LOL, but a.) they WILL ask for absolutely out-of-bonds shit, and b.) I know every party is going to be extremely petty in the negotiations. I'd like to think everyone is ready to make sacrifices if that's what it takes here but. LOL.

And if there's no agreement, there'll be another election on December. and that's if one of the regional parties doesn't decide to align with the right-wing coalition at the last moment, which would be the worst-case scenario (it's unlikely, because the major parties have alienated those specific regions for years, but who tf knows at this point.

*sighs*